Here We Are At The End of May
In which I lament about how time is inexplicable and wish I could get more of it.
Technically it’s only the last week of May, so there’s still some time, but boy howdy did that go quick. We head back to the mountains this weekend and our spring sojourn in the desert is coming to an end. I am both excited for a second spring back at the cabin1, and also greatly saddened by leaving. I only just acclimated to the heat yesterday - it was 68 in the morning and I put on a flannel to brace from the chill.
Some day, when I am a more skilled painter, I will perhaps be able to capture my feelings for the desert. They are complicated. I am often shocked by its ability to make me wonder - how can a place so desolate and sparse also be so full of life? Like the spirality of time, I find the desert inexplicable. A forest, that makes sense to me - all the trees, canopy and shade, undergrowth, the relative abundance of water. A forest, by design, is full of life. The desert? Even after all these years, I don’t get it. How does it all survive on so little water? It could be magic, but more likely shear force of will.
And the colors. I find them so shocking in their brilliance and variety that when I go to paint it, I can’t believe the colors I am attempting to use and feel vastly under qualified to wield that kind of contrast. I want to paint it, but know that it will not come close to doing it justice. With forests and mountains I have something I can grasp and make sense of. They are at least logical and of standard color varietals.
Perhaps I just need more time. But that is always what I need more of.
I’m reading a book right now called “The Improbability of Love” by Hannah Rothschild, which is about a woman who finds a small painting worth millions in a second hand shop. I was expecting a love story, fueled by a chance find which brings two people together. It’s hardly a romance at all, but rather an education on art throughout the ages, the shadowy side of dealers and auctions, how works of art are the spoils of war and conquest, and how the rich and famous use art for their own gains. I will admit, it started off slowly, however once it got rolling, it became good and now I am intrigued and am excited to see how it all ends. It’s fiction, but filled with real historical truths. But there’s this one part that has hit me hard.
The leader of an auction house goes to a famous recluse of an artist to convince him to sell just 10 of his paintings. The dealer is in desperate need of money to save his company and is banking on this artist. Offering the artist very generous terms, the dealer says it will make them both very rich.
When asked to sell his work, the artist says, “And what would I do with that extra money?”
“… I really have everything I need here. I am very happy in my room with my things. Having possessions is a distraction. Now if you could offer me millions of extra hours in my day, I would jump at the chance of an auction. If one of my paintings could buy me an extra year of working, I would shake on your proposal in a second.”
I too want more hours in the day, not for the sake of productivity, but to make it last longer, to feel that I had my fill. To be able to spend as many hours painting as I do reading, playing, cooking and gardening. To luxuriate in a long lunch, then lounge like a lizard in the sun, and perhaps a short nap. To watch the bats at dusk and listen to the chorus of birds at dawn. And to not feel rushed like I have to hurry up so I can get onto the next thing. I realize now - that whole rushing around part, frantically trying to get it all done, thinking about the next thing while you’re doing the thing - god, it really ruins all the good stuff.
I don’t know where April went, which is long gone. And May seems to be hurrying to finish as well. Give me a pause button for god’s sake. Let me slow it down, perhaps then I can comprehend it all, but at this rate, I’m only catching small portions, like listening to people speaking in another language and only knowing a few words and phrases. I see at minimum 5 paintings a day in my mind and there is just no way to make them all. I don’t want to be fast to be productive, I want to be faster so I can capture it all.
I didn’t get nearly as far as I wanted with my garden. I had wanted to prepare beds, move dirt, place edging, finish the pavers, but I am only one person, and it is hard to work outside in the full sun in 100 degrees. I had hoped in the fall, I would be able to plant some trees and a few plants, but at this rate, it’ll be quite some time until I have a full, desert garden. I think about it constantly and want to be working on it. When I go for hikes, I long to have those desert plants in my own yard, so I can watch the native bees swallowed into the well of a blossom, have paintbrush in every color of the rainbow, and watch the hawkmoths pollinate the sacred datura each night2. I want it all now.
This seems to contradict what I said before, about not wanting to rush, but that’s the inexplicable part - this isn’t impatience to get it over with, but excitement to do it all. Excitement to create, to make something, to turn the vision in my head into reality, to manifest a dream into physical matter. We don’t even need to be gods to conjure a new world, but we, being the mortals that we are, have limitations. Sleep being pretty a big one, but the biggest being time, which just keeps slipping away.
As they say, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
Updates
Just a heads up to those who had subscribed (much appreciated) - I have paused paid subscriptions for the time being. I find that I have been too sporadic in posting these days and without a clear and distinct project or offering, it doesn’t feel right to take payment. But I do appreciate the support.
Also, I will soon be delivering some new cold wax & oil paintings to a couple galleries and hope you’ll like the new work. In this heat, painting with encaustic (ie a hot pot of melted wax and a flamethrower) is just more than I can bare. So I’ll have to get back to the mountains to do more. But I have been loving the cold wax works a lot, and I look forward to showing you.
What I’m Into This Week
More On Ecological Landscaping
Two articles just caught my eye on ecological landscaping or naturalism that I was talking about a few weeks ago. One article in the NYTimes is about the work of Kelly Norris, a horticulturist from Iowa and the author of a book I recently bought called New Naturalism. The other article in The Guardian about a native re-landscaping project in California replacing invasive species that have taken over after fires. The work is to both remove the invasives and heavily plant natives so the invasives have no room to grow, and thus provide better habitat that is more drought tolerant and less likely to burn.
This Hat Killed 200 Million Birds
I’ve been enjoying the art newsletters from The Crossroads Gazette - it’s like taking a slow burn Art History class that teaches me about the female artists that were there all along but weren’t considered important enough to talk about beforehand, because, ahem, The Patriarchy. But the video on how hats in the Victorian period almost decimated all of the birds was fascinating. The article on Rosa Bonheur was great as well.
Sorry I’m Late, I Cannot Lift Heavy Things
I have no idea how I came to subscribe to Jess Pan, who is an American living in London and working in an independent book shop. Her latest post made me laugh heartily many times, then I read it out loud to Matt, and we both laughed a lot. Find someone to read it out loud to so you can both enjoy it.
Ezra Klein on the Big Beautiful Bill
Honestly, who names their bills that? He’s a five year old. Sigh.
Please Please, Please make sure you are reading up on the BBB and calling your reps about it. If this passes, millions will lose their health care (even folks on medicare), SNAP benefits will be decimated, support for renewable energy slashed, and a whole bunch of other line items that are insane - namely one that would make it so that the courts aren’t allowed funding to enforce court orders - making it so Trump can do whatever he wants and disobey the Supreme Court.
Now that it’s on to the Senate, the bill will likely change, but as it is right now, this is a HORRIBLE bill. Read articles, talk to people, and call your reps. Do not let them pass this. Ezra Klein did a good podcast going over the bill last week. Find it where you find your podcasts.
Someday I will chase Spring all year long.
Although probably not, because sacred datura is toxic. Probably best not to have at home. But they are so gorgeous.
I really appreciate your thoughts/perspective around time. It completely resonates!